The lost BFF II- It's going to take some getting over..

Once you've been hurt, it's hard to get attached again. When your hearts broken, its hard to trust again.
We broke up a few months again, but it still hurts.
It starts with a simple question- "Who's your best friend in the whole world?" ............... and I'm blank. No answer.
Cos no one can ever take her place. We've been together for eight years, and though I had accepted the breakup gracefull, I can't help but think of her every time I am forced to contemplate the word "best friend"
We've shared a lot with each other, been through a lot together, trusted each other with our deepest, darkest secrets. and now, there's a big hole in my heart. Empty space she's left behind.
I mean, I have lots of friends. I'm not dying of a broken heart, but I still miss her. She's what you can call my first love- never forgotten.
I've learned to be brave about loss, and get over attachments, but sometimes there's too much left unsaid, so many memories left halfway. Too many regrets.
I cry. Shit happens, and it's okay to cry.
It's a lot of hurt. And it's going to take some getting over.
I love you, M.

Butterfly Fly Away

She stopped in the doorway, hesitating. She contemplated entering, her hand resting on the doorknob of the slightly-ajar door. Finally, taking a deep breath, she pushed open the door and entered.

He stood in front of the fireplace, his back to her.

A flash of memory. He would always stand like that, gazing into the dancing flames, thinking seriously. She'd been watching him since she was a little girl. It was his favourite place.

A smile played on her lips as more memories filled her head.

Being thrown in the air and caught again. Being engulfed in the musky smell of hard work, the feel of rough cotton shirt. Feeling protected. Safe.

She smiled more widely now & walked towards him, no fear in her stride now.

This was the man she'd trusted with her every secret since she was 5 years old.

This was her father.

"Dad", she called tentatively. He turned and gazed at her.

"I--", she began.

"Shh..." He shushed her. "You don't need to say anything. You have made your decision. And that's that."

"But I..", she tried again.

"No. Don't try to apologize."

"If anyone should apologize, it's me. You look like you're scared silly, and it's probably because of me. Don't be scared child, you're not making a mistake", he said gently.

"You see, no father wants his little girl to grow up. We want her to be forever the little child in pigtails & ribbon in her hair, who would run up to me with her drawings. The little girl who would need protection from the smallest thunderstorm. The little girl whose world revolved around me."

"But it doesn't work that way. We all grow up someday. And you have. Actually, you've been that way for a while now. I just refused to see it", he said with a little laugh.

Then he sighed. "I guess it was me who hadn't grown up yet. But I need too. To grow up and be strong. Enough to let go."

"But, Dad.." she said.

"No", he interrupted her. "You listen to me now. I want you to go. Take the scholarship. Go. Live your life."

"Just promise me one thing. Don't forget your old man now, alright? Write to me. Call me everyday. I want to know everything. Every little thing."

"Dad", she protested.

"No, caterpillar. You need to do this. A little distance is good for both of us. Don't worry, child. I love you, and I will always love you. But we both have some growing up to do, me more than you. And we have do it ourselves. I can't help you, now."

He looked away, his eyes glistening.

She ran into his arms, feeling her own tears brim over and run down her face. She buried her face into the familiar scent & the familiar feel and she cried.

"Shhh...", he said, patting her head.

"My dear butterfly, fly way now. Spread your wings and fly."

Alive

It's like nothing she'd ever felt before. This strange, crazy feeling that brought tears to her eyes.
Because it made her weak, it made her vulnerable... It broke through the steel-hearted facade that she had made for herself, the cold, hard mask she had hid herself behind. It exposed her heart, her soul.. her self laid bare for everyone to see.
Because she needed him. Needed him like the very air she breathed. A need so powerful, it took her breathe away. A need so potent, it left a gaping hole in her chest. A need that had her clutching her heart at any kind of separation, however temporary.
A need that made it impossible for her to exist... without him.

No man had ever made her feel so insignificant, so small, so... incomplete.
Because that's exactly what he did. He left her riddled like Swiss cheese, and the only person who could fill the emptiness was him. She needed him to be whole again.
Need. Need, to the point of pain.
And yet.. all she felt was an unfamiliar sense of excitement. Exhilaration. Not the kind that came from jumping off buildings. She knew, she'd tried.
But the kind that pooled into her stomach and knotted her nerves. The kind that made her bite her lip and wring her hands. The kind that made her heart thud in her chest.
Anticipation? Passion? Love?
She did not even want to contemplate the term.
But one thing she could not deny....... She had never felt so alive.