Post New Year Resolutions

Today, I want to talk about change. 

What with the new year and all that, I think it's time I made a little changes around myself.

I don't particularly celebrate the new year. I party the reasonable amount that your average Delhi-ite is expected to, even reply to a few "Happy New Year" forwards with their assorted and colorful articulation and sometimes even remember to wish a few people when I head back to college in January.

But beyond that I don't generally hold on to any particularly "new-beginning" type feeling for the new year. While others are busy making resolutions they don't intend to follow, making plans that won't materialize and meeting people they didn't even know last year, I spend my day making "See-you-next-year!" jokes.

But, I think a change is long overdue. The girl in black converse has come a long way, what with college, moving to a new city, making new friends and suffering a long list of heartbreaks. 

My self-depracating, sarcastic and too-frank attitude needs a little turnabout. So much as I HATE change of any sort, I've decided I'm going to be a new person. So here's a list of my new year's resolutions, albeit a little late.

1. Get a better grade. Because a little education never hurt anybody.

2. Have new experiences. Because "been-to-every-club-in-Delhi" isn't nearly as fun as it sounds.

3. Stop hating. Because what's the point? Everybody has a story as unique as your own.

4. Get out of bed. Because nothing good was ever achieved by people who refused to get out of bed.

5. Write more. Because it makes me feel good. And maybe click more pictures.

6. Let go. Because until you let go of your past, you can't make way for the future.

So there I have it. 

My list of post-New Year resolutions.

Let's see how many I actually keep up to!

Nothing quite like a full stomach to fix a broken heart

I'm not really one for revenge. 

I don't wash my dirty laundry in public.

I'm done with drama.

Except it doesn't let go of me. From every nook and cranny, I see drama peeking out at me, ready to latch itself on to me like the bloodsucking parasite it is. No matter how many times I sweep it out, miraculously it come back again, much like the daily strands of hair on my pillow(and floor).

Even now, it's glowering at me from the corner when I beat it down for the umpteenth time, refusing to succumb to it. 

I was being a healthier person. Keeping out negativity and all that. However, lying, cheating, whoring scumbags did nothing to help me keep up to my resolution.

NO. I was not going down that path again. 

I was going to keep up my healthy doses of restraint, Gloria Gaynor and Schezwan sauce and let Karma be the only bitch around these parts.

Besides, vindictive, psycho ex-girlfriends were highly overrated. 

Speaking of, while I was perfectly happy to bide my time till the object of my anger was struck by lightning in a retributive action that would convince the worst of sinners of the existence of a greater force with a sense of natural justice, it seems others aren't quite so satiated. You know it's bad when my actions seem healthy in comparison.

I entered this semester knowing, just knowing that shit was going to hit the fan. It was both an intuitive and logical prediction. But I hadn't known that my potency for bad luck would effect people around me too.

(Seriously, any more and I'll start converting people to stone.)

The problem with college is that people get too close, too soon. They're in each other's face all the time, they are restricted to a limited geographical period, they're away from home. Emotions run intense. So people date too much, fall in love too fast and break up too soon. And the breakups are messy. Meh-uh-seeee.

So recently, the golden couple of my college broke up. 

Seriously, these two were the poster boys of relationships if there ever were any.

Until the cracks begin to show.

And left everybody questioning the sanctity of love and togetherness.

How exactly did it happen? Well, nobody really knows and nobody really followed. But what followed was an onslaught of taunts, facebook statuses and battle of wills. 

The bigger you are, the harder you fall.

Who would have thought that the two lovebirds with the perfect relationship would go down this road? Who would have thought they'd stoop to this level?

Who am I kidding? I love drama. I thrive on drama. Heck, I eat drama for breakfast.

Truth is, other people's drama helped keep my head out the hellhole my own, personal breakup was. Much as I wanted to hate the female, I couldn't quite do so. See, I knew how she felt, even though my situation was completely different, the emotions still struck home long enough for me to see her point of view. And much as I wanted to hate her, I still took a page out of her book. More like out of her facebook. And after a lot of inner turmoil and emergency(!!) consultations with the floormates, I finally let it all out. And one little status is all it took.

Whew, that felt good. Liberating.

After having a terrible week, it seems like things were finally going to look up.

And..... Oh, food!

Later then :) 

Let's make a difference!

So, yesterday I skipped The Dark Knight Rises and Mcdonald's to help save the environment.
Yes, its a big sacrifice, particularly the Mcdonald's part. You'd know if you have ever had food in NLU-J, or any other college actually.
So there I am, at the end of a long, sweaty day, covered in a layer of grime and other assorted things I'd rather not talk about, legs hurting, back breaking, dance practice to go to, and annoying, melodramatic batch mates to deal with, when I realized I'm actually going to be doing this for the next 5 years.

At the end of the day it didn't matter how sick I was of eating Bhindi swimming in oil, or how I really really wanted to watch TDKR, or how frustrating it was to clean up in a place where people just don't give a fuck, I just really felt great to actually contribute, to begin somewhere. And the level of dedication that everybody showed, it just blew me away. I swear it, I have begun to see my classmates in an all new light.

I watched TDKR today, and ate enough burgers to stay on my thighs for the next 10 years at least, but I know I won't have enjoyed it so much had I skipped the Clean Up Drive.

BIG BIG shoot out to M.A.D - Making a difference, by being the difference.

Birthdays. Oh joy.

Was bitten by a spider today, and it wasn't even radioactive.

Depressing, really.

Anyway, its boyfriend's birthday today. ( I call him boyfriend for lack of a better word to describe our situation; cos best-friend-who-I-fell-for-but-cant-be-with-cos-he's-commitment-phobic-and-kinda-a-douchebag is just too long to say every time. AND it sounds sort of flaky and disturbing.)

So I didn't meet him yet, cos he has family stuff, and I have family stuff, and I don't want to join his sausage-fest of booze, and sweat and random midnight wanderings.

Besides, I couldn't even think about how to make it special. I thought about throwing a party for him, but you know.. I was just too lazy to plan it through.

And, its my mother's birthday in about 3 days, and all we're doing is going for dinner. Which should be okay, except I have to choose the restaurant, and as luck would have it, whenever I pick a restaurant for our periodic family dinners, it inexplicably tends to either under-perform the day we're there, or just simply not satisfy my mother's taste. (Too crowded, not crowded enough, too dark, too tasteful, tasteless, too expensive, you get the point).

So anyway, that gets me around to birthdays.

I DON'T LIKE BIRTHDAYS.

Why?

Because, birthdays mean a lot of pressure. And no, I don't mean the pressure of growing old, I mean the pressure of what to do, the pressure of making it special.

Like for instance, one of the amazing things to do in life maybe to sleep all day, yet if anyone would do that on their birthday, everyone would be all "Ohmygod, you're going to sleep on your birthday?!" Yeah I am, so what?

But no, its not good enough, its not special enough.

So basically, that's why I have nothing to do on my birthday.

Birthdays are days when you may do what you love doing, but it wont give you satisfaction cos its not all that "special" and you'll eventually end up doing what other people think is fun, and be miserable, and when you finally wake up next morning, hungover and hungry, and dead freaking tired, you'd wonder where the day went, and if it was seriously as hyped up as it was supposed to be.

Birthdays are overrated.

And this is why I never know what to do to make my quintessential "loved one's" birthdays special.

Because I haven't really discovered yet as to what makes birthdays special.

And there's always this obligation of making it memorable and wonderful, when all I really want to do is sleep and wonder what the excitement is all about.

Shit.

P.S : I read my post through, and it seems to go pretty fast. Eh, that's the speed I generally talk at. But you read it through, so haha.

The lost BFF II- It's going to take some getting over..

Once you've been hurt, it's hard to get attached again. When your hearts broken, its hard to trust again.
We broke up a few months again, but it still hurts.
It starts with a simple question- "Who's your best friend in the whole world?" ............... and I'm blank. No answer.
Cos no one can ever take her place. We've been together for eight years, and though I had accepted the breakup gracefull, I can't help but think of her every time I am forced to contemplate the word "best friend"
We've shared a lot with each other, been through a lot together, trusted each other with our deepest, darkest secrets. and now, there's a big hole in my heart. Empty space she's left behind.
I mean, I have lots of friends. I'm not dying of a broken heart, but I still miss her. She's what you can call my first love- never forgotten.
I've learned to be brave about loss, and get over attachments, but sometimes there's too much left unsaid, so many memories left halfway. Too many regrets.
I cry. Shit happens, and it's okay to cry.
It's a lot of hurt. And it's going to take some getting over.
I love you, M.

Last Wednesday

Last Wednesday we were in love.

Now we're just broken.

But I love you so much

My heart is full, my heart is empty

You leave me broken, you complete me

You raise me up, you bring me down

You say I threw you on the ground

But I love you so much

I love how you love me, I hate it

It's rainbows & butterflies, It's shit

I hate you now, but I love you still

I just want to kiss you, or kill

But I love you so much

What I would give to hear your voice again,

To be your lover, and your best friend

To have you now like I did before

But I don't want to talk anymore

I still love you so much

Kill me now, bring me to life

Here, take back your knife

I pulled it out of my back

Baby, just please come back

I love you so much

I want to see your name in my phone

I want you to leave me alone

Call me, I want to call you

I love your smile, I hate you

But I love you much

I know you love me, Yeah right

I want to hold you, I want to fight

I love you, I hate you

I want to fucking kill you

But I love you so much...