Last Wednesday

Last Wednesday we were in love.

Now we're just broken.

But I love you so much

My heart is full, my heart is empty

You leave me broken, you complete me

You raise me up, you bring me down

You say I threw you on the ground

But I love you so much

I love how you love me, I hate it

It's rainbows & butterflies, It's shit

I hate you now, but I love you still

I just want to kiss you, or kill

But I love you so much

What I would give to hear your voice again,

To be your lover, and your best friend

To have you now like I did before

But I don't want to talk anymore

I still love you so much

Kill me now, bring me to life

Here, take back your knife

I pulled it out of my back

Baby, just please come back

I love you so much

I want to see your name in my phone

I want you to leave me alone

Call me, I want to call you

I love your smile, I hate you

But I love you much

I know you love me, Yeah right

I want to hold you, I want to fight

I love you, I hate you

I want to fucking kill you

But I love you so much...

Yo!

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Untitled- The lost BFF

She's been my best friend for the past eight years. And today we're fighting.

This is the time I need her the most and she isn't here.

It's happened before.

Her not being there I mean.

Last year, we broke up. And didn't speak to each other for almost an entire year.

I don't wanna write about her.

I don't like being emotional about people. I'd rather not care.

'Course there's a cause that's lost before it begins.

I'm a hopeless emotional.

I always felt like my ability to love people was my strength. Now I'm forced to wonder- is it a weakness in disguise?

Take S Jo for instance. I'm emotional to the point of irritation about him. He has his flaws, and I choose to completely overlook them..

Its the same with MS. Despite everything she did to hurt me last year, I took her back, no questions asked.

And I love her, I do.

But I'm not the most emotionally-equipped person at showing how I feel. Putting it in one sentence.. If I'm nice to you, I probably don't even like you, and if I'm rude, I love you.

I have a sharp edge and a blunt tongue and a vicious brain, but underneath it I'm fiercely loyal.

I cannot go up to her and tell her I need her, but I can feel it all the same.

I can cry for her, and listen to songs about her, and even look at our pictures together, but it's hard for me to tell her how much she means to me.

My only hope is for her to know, deep in her heart that her best friend feels quite lonely without her, and that she needs to come back.

In the meantime, I can still stare at the phone that won't beep.

Bullshit.

Fuck it.
Whenever everything good begins to happen, shit comes in the way of things.
Why? Because apparently, it's the fricking law of nature. Or maybe, because God's a sadist.
Things were just beggining to settle down with S Jo. For a commitment-phobic, generally boy-hungry girl like me, it's a major achievement to be in a relationship, a steady one at that.
But apparently happy endings don't come to you that easily, served in a silver platter, garnished with joy & peace & contentment.
It's actually served on a weared-down, ugly metal plate, burned and black. Most importantly, its COLD.
Love is damn complicated as it is, and it absolutely sucks when others come along to make it worse.
I knew we'd face problems, with our relationship being 'condemned' or whatever.
But I didn't expect stuff to be as bad as this.

So here's another round of champagne, just to celebrate more bullshit.

Abyss

Slient, desolate streets
Miles to walk on, promoses to keep
Death & loss waiting by the door
Breathe, just move on.

Blank, empty spaces,
Shredded hearts, shadowed places,
Promises were meant to be broken
Breathe, just move on.

Long, empty hours
Wavering faith, pointless wars
Can't even remember your own name
Breathe, just move on

Mighty, lonely pride
Stand alone, alone you fight
Questioning your own choices
Breathe, just move on

Love, Sex, & Rock'n'Roll

Being a teenager is difficult. No, not because my hormones are taking over my body, or school is getting tougher or even that there are more responsibilities.
It's because I'm having to make choices.
Earlier, they were restricted to what toy I wanted to play with, what I wanted to eat, whether I wanted to play first, have my milk later or what I wanted to wear.
But now, life isn't so easy anymore.
Yes I know, I'm growing up. Everyone does. But the problem with today's world is that it isn't so easy anymore.

Today, I'm standing at crossroads. Crossroads of morality & immorality, correct choices & wrong decisions, society & self, conformity & individuality.
I live in a world where drugs are easily accessible, cigarettes and alcohol are sold at every street corner, sex is prevalent & friends are often foes.
I am bombarded with information. I ask questions, but no one answers them. I'm expected to have an opinion about everything. But I don't know who to believe.
I am lost in a maze of people. I am searching for myself in the mirror. I don't have an identity, or maybe I have too many of them.
I can't identify with the people I see on TV. I can't identify with the child I see on the road.
I dress a particular way. I act, think & speak like everyone else.
I don't know whether I should worry about the world, my family or myself.
I am expected to lead the world. But I can't even lead myself.
I am being shoved towards knowledge, but I am slouching towards wisdom.

Terrorism, honor killing, religion, success, greed , money, patriotism, honesty, love, murder, rape, humanity, diseases, death, society, fame, careers, parents, environment, global warming ...
My mind is a whirl of images. A cacophony of multiple soundtracks. Confusion has clouded my senses, and suddenly I can't think anymore.
Everyday, I'm making a choice. A choice about the kind of human being I want to be. Or maybe, that I want to remain a human being.
I don't know the difference anymore.
But at least I get the right to choose. And that brings a satisfaction of sorts.

I'm not going to merely survive in this world. My intention is to live life completely, fully and passionately.


I want to be able to judge human beings, to differentiate between the good and the bad and the wolves in men.
I want to change the world but I don't know how.
But for now, all I can do is peer through the chaos and haze & look for the silver lining.
That would be the salvation for me and my world.